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the Movie
Club Annals ...
Reviewed by Carl R.
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Orca |
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Right
off the bat, Orca gives us something not offered by any other
movie - the chance to see a then unknown 21 year old Bo Derek get
her leg chewed off by an angry, cerebral killer
whale. |
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The viewing of Orca
was
already a highly appealing prospect for the Movie Club, but such
an unprecedented opportunity as described above turned it into a
mandatory undertaking. |
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Eye
of the Orca |
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If you've ever seen Jurassic
Park III, then you already know how stupid mankind is in
comparison to giant, extinct reptiles. But if you've ever seen Orca, then you also know what total morons
the dinosaurs are in
comparison to killer whales. |
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And never mind that
insignificant race of homo sapiens who survived and thrived
through the millenniums and went on to rule the earth. That
was blind luck and pure chance. The human race
continues to exist only due to the benevolence of the consummate
sages, the ultimate academicians, the deific, the immaculate, the
omnipotent Orcas. |
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Richard and Bo, When She Was Still a Bi-Pod |
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Richard Harris, being only
a working stiff Shakespearean actor, doesn't have a
sufficient amount respect for the Orca's
intellect before he
sets out to catch one and sell it to Marineland. He thinks that Orcas
are just overgrown guppies, idling around at the local mackerel
bar waiting for a handout. |
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In fact, Richard Harris
appears to be on a stupid-fest for the duration of this film.
Not only does he severely underestimate the powers of the
almighty Orca, but he haphazardly and doggedly torments the only
entity in the movie more dangerous, unpredictable and
foul-tempered than the Orca
- Charlotte Rampling. And,
she's armed with a knife (damn, Richard - you got big ones.) |
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aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! |
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For anyone who doesn't
know Charlotte Rampling: |
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1) You're lucky. |
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2) She's the ever-miserable
fault-finding female curmudgeon who deliberately chooses to
spend all her time with ne'er-do-wells not worthy of her
company, during which time she endlessly berates her chosen
companions for being the miscreants that they are. |
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Anyway, Richard
Harris naively sets up his little fishing expedition, and in no
time at all he lands his prize - a live Orca. Problem is, this
Orca
is in the family way, and her suitor is nearby. But Richard,
not being hip to the danger at hand, starts prepping Mrs. Orca
for the trip to Marine Land. |
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Richard employs some rather
unorthodox methods of ensuring his prized Orca
gets safely to
its destination. He ties a rope around its tail, hauls it onto
the deck of his boat, and hangs it upside down fully-exposed in the 99 degree sun from dawn 'til dusk. But, in spite of his
great pains to make the Orca
comfortable during its journey, it
expires after only a single day. |
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Now he's really done
it. He's managed to get a male Orca
and Charlotte Rampling
pissed off at him in the same day. His life isn't worth a plug
nickel now. You'd think that would be enough of a day's damage
for Richard to cause. But oh no, not by legions. He is yet to
enrage the townsfolk, the crew on his boat, Bo Derek, and the
wise old Indian from One Flew Over The Cuckoo's nest. And, he
hasn't quite got the male Orca
and Charlotte Rampling pissed off
enough. Miles to go before he sleeps ... |
N |
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The
Former Oil Refinery |
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What comes next is the
alpha-male Orca
exacting a series of strategic, vindictive acts
of revenge toward Richard Harris. The Orca
knocks down Richard's
apartment, blows up an oil refinery, eats a couple of Richard's
friends, destroys a bunch of boats, and burns down half the town
in an effort to peer-pressure Richard into fighting him man-to-Orca on the open sea. |
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If Richard was smart, he
would simply pack his belongings, move a minimum of 30 yards
inland, stay away from the water, and be done with the whole
affair. But this is a man without a lot of brains. This is
a man without a sense of fear. This is a man who has no qualms
about tormenting Charlotte Rampling. So no, he doesn't move 30
yards inland. Instead, he packs up his boat and heads to
the open ocean for a climactic mano-y-la-Orca la battalla.
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And, being a man with who
doesn't know the meaning of 'half-measures', Richard decides to
take Charlotte Rampling along for the ride. |
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Richard,
Taking Aim |
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The Orca
makes full use of home field advantage, and proceeds to effortlessly
manipulate Richard's boat up to the North Pole. The rationale
behind the Orca
wanting to fight Richard Harris in an ice field
is beyond the limited reasoning powers of human beings, and will
not be explained here. |
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But, the Orca
has Richard
where he wants him now. He is trapped between the Orca
and
Charlotte Rampling. While Richard exhibits no signs of fear,
given his scant options, he decides to rush the Orca.
The Orca
is ready for him, though. He traps Richard on a small ice
flow, puts his weight on one edge of it, and slides Richard
Harris down his throat like an Irish oyster on the half
shell. End of story. |
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At first, the ending was a
bit difficult to assimilate on an emotional level. But then we
are given the satisfaction of knowing that Charlotte Rampling is
left trapped on the North Pole. No boat, no winter clothes, no
food, no survival gear - certain death. |
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But the truly perceptive
viewer is in for a final mind-bender. For one must consider the
fact that Charlotte Rampling's body temperature is most assuredly
much lower than that of the ice berg that she's trapped on. With
this in mind, there is no doubt that the ice berg will melt long
before Charlotte ever does, and that she will live to berate the
ne'er-do-wells of the world another day. |
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aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! |
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CR |
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