the matter? Don't you recognize your old captain?" Spoken
by Captain Everton, played by Donald Sutherland, after being turned into
an electrically charged, half-human, half-monster, by space aliens
residing on the deserted Russian ship he found and commandeered in the
middle of a three-day long eye of a hurricane. Virus, 1999.
of the more interesting aspects of being in the Movie Club is taking
note of which particular absurdities strike each Movie Club member as
the most absurd. For the movie Virus, there were more
than just couple of absurdities that struck everyone with equal force.
For starters ...
Sutherland was apparently supposed to have been an American citizen who
was the Captain of an American ship with an American crew in American
territories in an American movie. So we all wondered aloud why he spoke
with a British, Irish, French, Australian, Canadian, Spanish, Scottish,
Yugoslavian accent that continued to evolve during the course of
the movie. Of course, the accent issue was never resolved.
relatively minor issue was the question of why
Billy-Degenerate-Bad-Actor-Baldwin, the only "actor" on the
face of the earth not talented enough to star in a fine documentary like
Virus, was even in this film - or any other film, for that
But, moving along now.
The most significant problem with Virus was the fact that it lasted
longer than ten minutes. We are given to understand that the space
aliens who have taken over the Russian ship - who feed on
electricity - who will die without electricity - who will cease to live
without electricity - who cannot survive without electricity - are alive
and well because they are feeding on the Russian ship's source of electricity.
in first ten minutes of the movie, and every ten minutes thereafter,
Nadia, the terrified Russian sole survivor of the alien disaster,
suggested loud, long and often that the electricity be disconnected so
that the aliens who survive on the electricity will die right away
without the electricity they need to survive. Boom. End of movie. Right?
Wrong. After all, who in their right mind would listen to volumes of
common sense coming from the only person out of a couple thousand who
was slick enough to survive the alien intrusion? Again, issue never
always, there were other "issues" in this movie. Our resident
Movie Club hurricane experts tell us that the eye of a hurricane can't
last for three days like it so compliantly did in Virus. As
for the movie's ending, it would seem that one might get injured by
tying oneself to a missile, igniting it, and shooting oneself out into
the middle of the vast Pacific ocean only to be eaten by sharks after
breaking every bone in one's body as a result of the 300 mph impact.
But, as we all know, it didn't go down like that. Guess we can't always
expect a happy ending.