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the Movie Club Annals ...

Tomb Raider

Reviewed by Lily W.

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Lily, before Tomb Raider

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Lily, after Tomb Raider

C all me Baby Lily.  Some years ago - never mind how long precisely - having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore ... wait a minute ... wait a minute ... I just woke up from my nap, and I'm a little disoriented.  Let me start again ...

My first Movie Club, a review of Tomb Raider by Baby Lily. 

What a day! The excitement in the air was just too much!  I couldn't believe I was actually on the way to my very first Movie Club.   The hype surrounding Tomb Raider was big-time, and I just couldn't wait to see it.  I'll just bypass all the details about my morning feeding and diaper change and get right to it.

The lead grown-up in the movie had huge lips.  My eyesight isn't even fully developed yet, but those lips jumped right out at me. I think they were fake. And even though I don't have a full grasp on the laws of physics yet, I do know the definition of "impossible". Impossible - like doing a wheelie on the front wheel of a motorcycle on the inside a mansion while machine gun fire is flying past one's non-helmeted cranium at the speed of light.  The chick with the big lips was doing this, in case you missed it.

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It was a real treat to finally see John Voight in a high quality film.  Word on the playground is that he was the bad guy in Anaconda.  Even babies are too smart to like that film.  

My curiosity got the best of me when I saw the chick with the big lips riding on a dog sled in Siberia with her winter coat wide open and her T-shirt showing. What's up with that?  Didn't she realize it was cold?  How come one of the nice men in the film didn't come to her aid and give her a blanket or something? I know - I'll understand someday (not).

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It could be my imagination, but when Big Lips was hanging from her ceiling by a cord doing her nightly indoor mansion-gymnastics, I saw through the glass roof that it was sunny and bright outside.  Yet, when the bad guys were outside getting ready to break into the house it was dark, pouring rain, with thunder and lightning all over the place.  Actually, it wasn't my imagination.  I'd bet my 3:00 P.M. nap on it.  You know, I have a swing too, but it's not quite as sophisticated as the one Big Lips uses, and I'm not allowed to use it inside the mansion yet.          

And getting back to impossibilities, how is that Big Lips, who weighs all of 98 pounds soaking wet - was able to jump on a 6-ton log and change its trajectory enough to get it to break the secret piece of glass that ultimately released the first time-triangle?  Can't be done, I'm telling 'ya.  And as Margaret mentioned, why couldn't they just break the secret piece of glass with a hammer or something?

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One last impossibility - there are too many to mention - but this one is altogether noteworthy:  When the bad guy got stabbed at the end of the movie, it looked like he was hurt too badly to get up again - ever.  But no - when Big Lips picked a fight with him, he got right up. He was a lean, mean, fighting machine. Stab wound?  No problem.  Look -  I'm young, but I'm not totally naive.  I heard of a kid who got a measly splinter in his finger and he screamed his head off for 2 hours, so I'm not buying this one.

And why didn't the ancient guys who hid the separate halves of the time triangles on opposite ends of the earth just destroy them in the first place and be done with it?  That's what Big Lips did.

Oh well, I had a blast.  It's hard to pick my favorite part of the day.  Staring at Paul was pretty cool.  Sleeping on Great Grandma Nancy was cool too.  Sitting next to Grandma in the car is always a pleasure, and hanging out with my parents is always on my A-List.  And that look on Ginny's face after Tomb Raider was over should be bottled and sold! 

Maybe the best part was when Grandpie swore at the car who passed him too fast on the way home.  I pretended I didn't hear it, but later I told him I wouldn't rat him out if he slid me an occasional sawbuck and bought me a Ferrari when I turned 16.  I don't know why, but he caved in in less than a nanosecond!  I love Movie Club!

Peace out, yo!

Lily W.