how unpleasantly surprised I was when I asked for volunteers to write
the review of Spiders, and no one came rushing forward! No
one! What a shiftless group of Movie Club members, I thought to myself.
Then, it occurred to me that not only did I myself
fail to volunteer for the task, I was also doing my level best to pawn it off
on someone else. And why did no one, including myself, want to
tackle this daunting task? Obviously, daunting is the key
word here. There's just way, way, way too much material to work with.
So, where to start?
just get right to the point and go directly to the climactic ending of Spiders. Our
young heroine, Marci, is hanging from a rope, which is tied to a
helicopter hovering 200 feet above, holding a bazooka, and aiming it
down the throat of a giant, out-of-control spider that's trying to lay
its eggs on
top of a convention center after rampaging through the streets of the
Never mind that Marci lost her glasses inside the top-secret,
evil-government SSRC (Secret Spider Research Center), and can't see two
inches past her face. Never mind that just seven hours earlier, she was a
naive, bungling reporter for an insignificant college newspaper, and had
never even fired a BB gun before. Never mind that she wasn't snapped in
half - or even mildly injured - when she fell 200 feet out of the helicopter, and
that her fall was
broken only by a frayed rope carelessly tied around her waist. Never mind ...
just never mind.
there is really no solid direction in which to take this review, let's
take a look at the three questions most relevant to Spiders:
(*** Note - these are all trick
did the space shuttle explode when the astronauts injected the spider
with whatever they injected it with?
it really necessary to have a wet T-shirt contest in the
conveniently-placed steaming-hot wading pool in the middle of evil
secret government lab?
How much cocaine did george bush, jr. snort while he was watching
there is still really no solid direction in which to take this
review, let's take a look at the two most prolific quotes made during
the Movie Club review of Spiders: (***
Note - these quotes can only be understood by Movie Club insiders ***)
"If you walk bent over, people can't see you".
"It's a lot like a bad sci-fi movie".
you guessed it, since there is still really no solid direction in
which to take this review, let's take a look at wrapping it up. Spiders
was simply a wildly successful Movie Club event. The movie
provided an endless supply of Movie Club fodder, and on top of that, was accompanied by an
abundant feast of chocolate munchies. A
perfect day! Now, if only we could figure out a way to get paid for this ...