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Spiders

Reviewed by Carl R.


                   

 

 

Oh, how unpleasantly surprised I was when I asked for volunteers to write the review of Spiders, and no one came rushing forward! No one! What a shiftless group of Movie Club members, I thought to myself. Then, it occurred to me that not only did I myself fail to volunteer for the task, I was also doing my level best to pawn it off on someone else.  And why did no one, including myself, want to tackle this daunting task?  Obviously, daunting is the key word here.  There's just way, way, way too much material to work with.  So, where to start?

 

 

Well, let's just get right to the point and go directly to the climactic ending of Spiders. Our young heroine, Marci, is hanging from a rope, which is tied to a helicopter hovering 200 feet above, holding a bazooka, and aiming it down the throat of a giant, out-of-control spider that's trying to lay its eggs on top of a convention center after rampaging through the streets of the city. Never mind that Marci lost her glasses inside the top-secret, evil-government SSRC (Secret Spider Research Center), and can't see two inches past her face. Never mind that just seven hours earlier, she was a naive, bungling reporter for an insignificant college newspaper, and had never even fired a BB gun before. Never mind that she wasn't snapped in half - or even mildly injured - when she fell 200 feet out of the helicopter, and that her fall was broken only by a frayed rope carelessly tied around her waist. Never mind ... just never mind.

 

 

Since there is really no solid direction in which to take this review, let's take a look at the three questions most relevant to Spiders(*** Note - these are all trick questions ***)

1) Why did the space shuttle explode when the astronauts injected the spider with whatever they injected it with?

2) Was it really necessary to have a wet T-shirt contest in the conveniently-placed steaming-hot wading pool in the middle of evil secret government lab?

3)  How much cocaine did george bush, jr. snort while he was watching Spiders? 

 

 

Since there is still really no solid direction in which to take this review, let's take a look at the two most prolific quotes made during the Movie Club review of Spiders(*** Note - these quotes can only be understood by Movie Club insiders ***)

1) "If you walk bent over, people can't see you".

2) "It's a lot like a bad sci-fi movie".

And, you guessed it, since there is still really no solid direction in which to take this review, let's take a look at wrapping it up.  Spiders was simply a wildly successful Movie Club event.  The movie provided an endless supply of Movie Club fodder, and on top of that, was accompanied by an abundant feast of chocolate munchies. A perfect day! Now, if only we could figure out a way to get paid for this ...  

 

 



C. R.