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Rating: 7 Poseidons



Reviewed by Montana Smith







Viewing Date: 11/24/2005

Speed, the 1994 thriller, is packed full of action, suspense, danger, and more scenes-that-should-have-ended-the-movie-but-didn’t than any other blockbuster movie known to man. The movie stars Keanu “look at my muscles” Reeves, Sandra “I’m not Julia Roberts” Bullock, Dennis “I’ll be back for the sequel” Hopper, and Jeff “Why didn’t they blow me up earlier so I could get out of this movie?” Daniels. This all star acting team was supported by a cast of secondary characters who were auditioned for the complex acting skills needed to be in this movie: looking terrified and distraught for a several seconds at a time.



Dumber & Dumbest



The city is Los Angeles, a city of incredible coincidences where people fill baby carriages with soup cans, no one looks both ways before crossing the street, construction crews never finish anything, and everyone tells terrible, terrible jokes. It is in this city that Howard Payne (Hopper), a retired cop from Atlanta, chooses to begin his reign of terror, holding hostages for $3.7 million. Why does he hold hostages? Well, in order to fund his elaborate methods of holding hostages, he probably had to spend $3.7 million. Mr. Payne is really just trying to break even in this whole movie. Why does he choose to do it in LA instead of his home precinct of Atlanta? Why doesn’t he just spend $3.7 million on the slot machines in Connecticut? These are questions that only the producers could ignore.

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 Dennis Hopper, Bad Guy Deluxe



Payne’s methods of holding hostages climaxes toward ever-speedilier things: an elevator, a bus, and (finally) a train. He is battled by the LAPD, with young officer Jack Traven (Reeves) at the forefront of every catastrophe. Along with unsuspecting citizen/love interest Annie Porter (Bullock), Jack must stop this raving lunatic before he finds something even speedilier things to hijack. But how can the good guys stop a villain who knows everything (except when he’s in the bathroom)? Well, the answer to the good guys’ success lies in the one weapon Payne didn’t have: acronyms. For example:  
        (Elevator Action Team Responding In Bad Situations)
    (Incredible Coincidences That Allow Heroes To Escape Danger In  The Knick Of Time)
    (Amazing Bullet Wounds That Switch Legs Or Disappear All Together When It’s Convenient)
    (Relationships Based On Intense Experiences)
    (Under Bus Romantic Escape Board)
    (Under Ground Above Train Blinking Red Emergency Light)

    (Handcuffs With Secret Emergency Releases That Don’t Come Undone For The Characters To Escape Anticlimactically, But Do Come Undone In Time For The Final Romantic Scene Among Shards Of Broken Glass)

and of course…
    (Undetectable Under Bus Bomb Cart Contraptions)