Queen of Outer Space Movie Review



*Queen of Outer Space*

Viewing Date: July 3, 2005


The Queen of Outer Space is a 50's Sci-fi movie starring the famous Zsa Zsa Gabor. The plot, such as it is, revolves around a "routine" mission to a space station. The crew chosen for this mission is a highly specialized group made up of a stalwart captain, a skirt chasing navigator, a scientist/doctor/professor type, and the dorky guy. The crew's vessel arrives at the strangely doughnut-shaped station just as it's destroyed by a mysterious beam of light. The ship is quickly caught in said beam, but fortunately for the crew their ship is constructed with anti-lightbeam materials, and they're just tossed around a bit. After what seems like an eternity, but is really only half that time, the ship and its crew crash lands on a strange, snowy planet, which turns out to be Venus. While exploring their surroundings the crew is captured by the Venutians, who, in reality, are a bunch of beautiful women in short skirts and high heels. Apparently the filmmakers weren't content with just making a derivative movie; they wanted to make a derivative movie in a completely inappropriate manner. The crew is then taken before the Venus Supreme Ruling Judiciary Politburo Council, who rules with an iron fist. Or maybe just an iron. They are apparently led my a masked queen of some sort, who quickly orders them taken away for execution.



The Queen

Now things take a turn for the really implausible. It would seem that the intrepid Earth crew is not being sentenced for any normal reasons, like trespassing, not having a green card, crashing their ship into a Venutian nature preserve, or being overly clichéd and stupid. No; I'm afraid the "heroes" are sent to die just for being men, which doesn't seem very faidiot only are these man-hating space women violating people's civil liberties but they also plan to destroy the planet Earth. The logic behind this decision was a little murky, but I think they wanted to get rid of-Earth because it's run by men and men cause war and suffering. They must watch Lifetime a lot on this planet. Not to worry Earth dwellers. The mysterious masked queen has a soft spot for the captain. She has him brought to her chambers where she reveals that she's horribly scarred under the mask. All the captain has to do is lock lips with her to prove men aren't all shallow self-serving scumbags and planet will be saved. The captain prepares to take one for the team, but he just...can't...do...it. Wait...what!? The whole human race hangs in the balance and he can't bring himself to swap spit with an ugly chick? At this point any normal movie would have had the Earth annihilated in order to teach the audience a lesson about judging based on looks alone or some such. Not this movie. The Queen of Outer Space has the courage to unabashedly inflict pain on the viewer. Not only does the crew not suffer for this idiocy, they're rescued by the queen, revolution planning subordinate (played by Ms.Gabor) and her cohorts. After escaping the queen's minions and battling giant styrofoam spiders in the caves of Venus they're able to stop the Queen and her Fern-Ray and save Earth. A new, pro-trophy wife, government is set up and everyone lives happily ever after. Except the queen. She dies because she's ugly.


The Ladies	The Fellas


In conclusion, I would like to say that I would hunt down the makers of this movie if I wasn't already sure they had been killed by old age or feminist lynch mobs. However, viewed as a purely educational film it does have some merit. I learned several interesting science facts in addition to the proper attitude towards women. I never realized that lying seat belted to a table can save you from crash landings and alien death rays, or that any planet with the same gravity as Earth will have breathable atmosphere. NASA certainly hasn't said a word about these amazing discoveries. I bet they're just trying to keep all the beautiful Venus women for themselves. On the whole I give this movie a 0.00004 out of 10. Plus another 0.00897 for the useful science facts.


JS