Club Annals ...
Reviewed by Carl R.
just can't go wrong with a giant snake movie. Giant snake movies
have been extremely popular since Leonardo da Vinci invented the
VCR in the year 1506 to assist him in painting the Mona Lisa.
When the great work of art was completed, Leonardo was keenly
aware that the VCR had been instrumental in helping him to
capture the Mona's mysterious allure. Leonardo's many subsequent
uses of the VCR inevitably led him to record and watch the very
first giant snake movie.
But that's another discussion
... let's talk Python.
the Movie Club's 3rd giant snake movie, the other two being
Anaconda and King Cobra (two highly-revered cinematic
masterpieces, I might add). The Python
giant snake movie opened with an airplane scene.
Apparently, our Python
snagged one of those top-secret military E-Saver tickets, and
was on his way to enjoy a hard-earned vacation when the two
morons in the back of the plane began to poke at him in his
flimsy wooden cage. Just for the record, the Python
was minding his own business at the time.
Although the flimsy wooden
cage was clearly marked "Top Secret", the Buck Private
who was flying the military spy plane met no moral dilemma in
granting permission to the Buck Privates in the back of the
military spy plane to "Open it anyway ...". And
you know what happens next ... Buck Private sandwiches for the Python,
and down goes the plane.
Casper Van Dien,
as the 12-year old FBI Agent
I'd put Casper up against any
Baldwin when it comes to lack of acting ability.
That is a serious insult.
Even after the feasting on the Army guys, the Python
was still hungry, and only a pair of lesbians engaged in a
gratuitous, irrelevant sex scene inside a tent could satisfy his
voracious appetite. Fortunately for the Python,
there just happened to be a pair of lesbians engaged in a
gratuitous, irrelevant sex scene inside a tent very nearby.
Neither of the lesbians heard the deafening noise of the
plane crash (they were busy), so the Python
was able to make quick work of them through a clever surprise
attack - he pretended to be a giant snake, and turned out to
really be one. After ingesting the lesbians, the Python
crawled off to the lake and spit out half of his meal so the UTCs
(Unbelieving Town Cops) would have some grizzly evidence to
Speaking of towns and cops, Python
took place in a small town with a rather peculiar demographic.
The populace of the town was 98% cops, 1 % unsupervised teenagers,
and 1% real estate agents who had no acting ability. All the cops
were under the age of 20, and all the teenagers worked at the
local acid factory. And every resident of the town had a
different accent, ranging from Floridian to New England to Iowan
to Californian, a phenomenon that earned the town the right to
call itself "Florifornia".
the 129-foot Python's
next trick was to sneak unnoticed into the middle of Florifornia
and eat the entire population of real estate agents and their
clients. The real estate agents weren't lesbians, and
neither were the clients, but the snake had no qualms about
gobbling them up anyway, especially after one of them wouldn't
wipe the stupid sneer off her face.
Of course, eating a real estate
agent in Florifornia is a much more serious crime than eating a
pair of lesbians, so the Florifornian cops were driven to action
when they discovered the realtor's bodies. There was nothing left
to do but pursue justice and capture the killer. It was time
for a snake-out at the lake.
A quick note on the lake - one
couldn't help but to notice that all the Florifornian cops were
always at the lake all the time. So much so that it started to beg
the question - "why?". In order to solve this mystery, a
lengthy and expensive scientific study was commissioned by the
Province of Florifornia. The study revealed that Florifornia's
cops were drawn to the lake because it was shaped like a giant
But back to the snake-out. A snake-out differs from a stake-out in
that an entirely different strategy of catching the suspect(s) is
employed. In a snake-out, all the cops drive to Lake Doughnut at
night and force themselves to fall asleep in their cars with the
windows open. In the morning, a cop-count is taken. If
no cops have been eaten, then there is no giant snake problem.
If, on the other hand, one or more cops have been eaten, then only
one of two things could have happened:
1) A giant snake ate them.
2) They were abducted by crazed tent-lesbians.
So, the cops go ahead with their
snake-out, and they hit pay dirt on the first night. A cop has
been eaten - Hallelujah! And these highly-trained
cops are no dummies - they can tell Python
bites from lesbian bites, so they know they've got a Python
The cops, of course, won't leave
Lake Doughnut for any reason, but they still need to get rid of
the snake. The situation is desperate, so they go right to
the high-percentage moves - they call in a 12-year old FBI agent,
a senile professor, some doped-up teenagers, and the Army, who
unleashed the snake on the population in the first place.
The 12-year old FBI agent, the
senile professor, and the Army turn out to be pretty useless
during the ensuing snake chase, but the doped-up teenagers turn
out to be quite the expert snake subjugators. First, they
use themselves as live bait to lure the Python
into the deserted USSL (Underground Secret Snake Lab). Then, they
rig the USSL with the explosives they stole from the Army and make
a mad dash for the escape hatch. They succeed in outrunning the Python,
and ultimately make it to the safety of the snake-infested 135
degree desert outside.
And finally, the teen dopers con the senile professor into
triggering the explosives with the Python
and the professor still inside the USSL. This way, only
drug-free people, giant snakes, and other such menaces to society
would be exploded.
need to be sad. The Python
doesn't really die in the explosion, as the movie would have you
believe. It simply packed up, moved to Russia, morphed into
two snakes, and lived by subsisting on former communists. Don't
believe it? You obviously haven't seen Python