the Movie Club Annals ...

 

Python


Reviewed by Carl R.






You just can't go wrong with a giant snake movie. Giant snake movies have been extremely popular since Leonardo da Vinci invented the VCR in the year 1506 to assist him in painting the Mona Lisa.  When the great work of art was completed, Leonardo was keenly aware that the VCR had been instrumental in helping him to capture the Mona's mysterious allure. Leonardo's many subsequent uses of the VCR inevitably led him to record and watch the very first giant snake movie.

But that's another discussion ... let's talk Python.

Python was the Movie Club's 3rd giant snake movie, the other two being Anaconda and King Cobra (two highly-revered cinematic masterpieces, I might add).   The Python giant snake movie opened with an airplane scene.  Apparently, our Python snagged one of those top-secret military E-Saver tickets, and was on his way to enjoy a hard-earned vacation when the two morons in the back of the plane began to poke at him in his flimsy wooden cage. Just for the record, the Python was minding his own business at the time. 

Although the flimsy wooden cage was clearly marked "Top Secret", the Buck Private who was flying the military spy plane met no moral dilemma in granting permission to the Buck Privates in the back of the military spy plane to "Open it anyway ...".  And you know what happens next ... Buck Private sandwiches for the Python, and down goes the plane.

Casper Van Dien, 
as the 12-year old FBI Agent

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I'd put Casper up against any Baldwin when it comes to lack of acting ability. 

That is a serious insult.

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Even after the feasting on the Army guys, the
Python was still hungry, and only a pair of  lesbians engaged in a gratuitous, irrelevant sex scene inside a tent could satisfy his voracious appetite. Fortunately for the Python, there just happened to be a pair of  lesbians engaged in a gratuitous, irrelevant sex scene inside a tent very nearby. Neither of the lesbians  heard the deafening noise of the plane crash (they were busy), so the Python was able to make quick work of them through a clever surprise attack - he pretended to be a giant snake, and turned out to really be one. After ingesting the lesbians, the Python crawled off to the lake and spit out half of his meal so the UTCs (Unbelieving Town Cops) would have some grizzly evidence to discover.

Speaking of towns and cops, Python took place in a small town with a rather peculiar demographic.  The populace of the town was 98% cops, 1 % unsupervised teenagers, and 1% real estate agents who had no acting ability. All the cops were under the age of 20, and all the teenagers worked at the local acid factory.  And every resident of the town had a different accent, ranging from Floridian to New England to Iowan to Californian, a phenomenon that earned the town the right to call itself "Florifornia".    




 Sneer ...

Anyway, the 129-foot Python's next trick was to sneak unnoticed into the middle of Florifornia and eat the entire population of real estate agents and their clients.  The real estate agents weren't lesbians, and neither were the clients, but the snake had no qualms about gobbling them up anyway, especially after one of them wouldn't wipe the stupid sneer off her face.

Of course, eating a real estate agent in Florifornia is a much more serious crime than eating a pair of lesbians, so the Florifornian cops were driven to action when they discovered the realtor's bodies. There was nothing left to do but pursue justice and capture the killer.  It was time for a snake-out at the lake.

A quick note on the lake - one couldn't help but to notice that all the Florifornian cops were always at the lake all the time. So much so that it started to beg the question - "why?".  In order to solve this mystery, a lengthy and expensive scientific study was commissioned by the Province of Florifornia. The study revealed that Florifornia's cops were drawn to the lake because it was shaped like a giant doughnut.  

But back to the snake-out. A snake-out differs from a stake-out in that an entirely different strategy of catching the suspect(s) is employed. In a snake-out, all the cops drive to Lake Doughnut at night and force themselves to fall asleep in their cars with the windows open.  In the morning, a cop-count is taken.  If no cops have been eaten, then there is no giant snake problem.  If, on the other hand, one or more cops have been eaten, then only one of two things could have happened:

1) A giant snake ate them.
2) They were abducted by crazed tent-lesbians. 

So, the cops go ahead with their snake-out, and they hit pay dirt on the first night. A cop has been eaten - Hallelujah!  And these highly-trained cops are no dummies - they can tell Python bites from lesbian bites, so they know they've got a Python problem.   

 

 

The cops, of course, won't leave Lake Doughnut for any reason, but they still need to get rid of the snake.  The situation is desperate, so they go right to the high-percentage moves - they call in a 12-year old FBI agent, a senile professor, some doped-up teenagers, and the Army, who unleashed the snake on the population in the first place.  Good plan.  

The 12-year old FBI agent, the senile professor, and the Army turn out to be pretty useless during the ensuing snake chase, but the doped-up teenagers turn out to be quite the expert snake subjugators.  First, they use themselves as live bait to lure the Python into the deserted USSL (Underground Secret Snake Lab). Then, they rig the USSL with the explosives they stole from the Army and make a mad dash for the escape hatch. They succeed in outrunning the Python, and ultimately make it to the safety of the snake-infested 135 degree desert outside.

And finally, the teen dopers con the senile professor into triggering the explosives with the
Python and the professor still inside the USSL.  This way, only drug-free people, giant snakes, and other such menaces to society would be exploded.

 
But, no need to be sad.  The Python doesn't really die in the explosion, as the movie would have you believe.  It simply packed up, moved to Russia, morphed into two snakes, and lived by subsisting on former communists.  Don't believe it?  You obviously haven't seen Python 2

 

CR