Guest Reviews





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the Movie Club Annals ... 

The Poseidon Rating System


How the Poseidon Rating System Works

Movies are awarded between 0 and 10 Poseidons. 
Poseidons are based on a variety of factors, including:

> The movie's overall level of badness.
> The movie's overall level of enjoyability.
> The movie's self-seriousness factor.  
> The size of it's budget.
> The notability of the actors.
> The quality of acting (or lack of).
> Relative badness to previously reviewed movies. 
> The inexcusability factor. This is the most important factor of all. Movies produced with an abundance of resources (money, star power, experienced directors, studio backing, etc.) are afforded much less leniency than their low-budget counterparts, and are by default subject to receiving a higher number of Poseidons. 


Beyond the Poseidon Adventure - 8 Poseidons

Beyond the Poseidon Adventure was produced with every possible advantage - big stars, big budget, backing from a major studio, a nation-wide release, etc. It therefore has a near-maximum inexcusability factor, which automatically translates into a relatively high count of base-Poseidons.

This film takes itself seriously, is not boring, is unintentionally funny, and is mired with continuity errors. It also has a tremendous number of specific infeasibilities, and has a roundly implausible story line. Add to that its high enjoyability factor, and its relative comparisons to previously reviewed movies,  and you end up with one very high Poseidon count.

The Concorde: Airport '79 - 4 Poseidons

The Concorde: Airport '79 was also produced with every possible advantage - big stars, big budget, backing from a major studio, a nation-wide release, etc. It therefore also has a near-maximum inexcusability factor, although being an Airport movie - the fourth in a series of four at that - does decrease expectations. The decreased expectations consequently reduce its base-Poseidon count.

Concorde was penalized in several areas, one of them being the several lengthy boring stretches of irrelevant drudgery. Most notably, however, it was penalized for the feeling of sadness brought about by witnessing so many fine actors in such demeaning roles. Also, the presence of Charo is an automatic 2-Poseidon deduction.

Taking into account the many tasteless sexual innuendos, the psychotic sub-plots, the unamusing stereotypes, and the frustration level of trying to comprehend it all, and the Poseidon count starts sinking as fast as the Poseidon should have.

Firewalker - 1 Poseidon

Firewalker, starring Louis Gossett Jr. and Chuck Norris, had just enough ingredients to rate a full viewing by the Movie Club.  The two stars were recognizable enough, one of them being an Oscar winner (not for his Firewalker role). The film's budget, although not huge, was big enough to garner expectations of a less horrible end result.

It had a medium-level inexcusability factor, although the presence of Chuck Norris did drag it down to the lowest possible tier of the medium range. Firewalker's single Poseidon was earned through its relatively high number of continuity errors, along with its overly implausible story line.

But beyond those few amusing points, Firewalker's poor production level (camera work, soundtrack) and its pathetic attempts at humor made it a maddening affair. Its overall level of enjoyability was thus very low, bringing it to the relative bottom of the Poseidon ratings scale. 

Attack of The Killer Tomatoes - 0 Poseidons

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes was a bad movie by design, and thus should not qualify to be rated under the Poseidon system. Movies must be unintentionally bad to considered for a full viewing and subsequent rating by the Movie Club. Although, since it is a relatively poor production as parodies go, it has been given 0 Poseidons, as opposed to N/A Poseidons. 

Them! - N/A

Them! is a quite famous 1950's B-movie about giant ants, radioactivity, science gone wrong, heroics, and all the other classic factors of a 1950's sci-fi movie. In spite of it's campy special effects, the end result of this movie far exceeded the resources afforded to produce it.

Having so little to work with, Them! had every excuse in the world to fail, yet it did not. On the contrary, it became a renowned classic. Therefore, Them! also does not qualify to be rated under the Poseidon system. 

The Maltese Falcon - N/A

The Maltese Falcon is a legendary movie with great actors. It has no badness factors to work with, and therefore does not qualify to be rated under the Poseidon system.

Why Poseidons? 
This is our way of paying homage to the great Irwin Allen. We think he would be pleased.