the Movie Club Annals ...

 
Allan Quatermain 
and the Lost City of Gold


Reviewed by Carl R.







Allan Quatermain
and the
Lost City of Gold

 ... the sequel to King Solomon's Mines ...

 

It is common knowledge that all sequels are worse than the originals. Even so, it hardly seems possible that even the sequel to King Solomon's Mines could live down to the inferiority of King Solomon's Mines itself, no less surpass it. But Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold most assuredly lived down to its sequeleness in stellar fashion. 
 
  

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At least the original - King Solomon's Mines - numbed us to the idea of Richard Chamberlain's embarrassingly pathetic portrayal of a self-deprecating mercenary swashbuckler rushing to the rescue of a damsel in distress.  The original also prepped us - somewhat - for Sharon Stone's pitiable 'tee-hee look-at-me' forlorn bimbo routine, although it still feels as if only a major surgical procedure could remove the caustic aftertaste it left behind.      
 
 

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But nothing in the world could prepare us for what we saw next ...
 

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 Sorry James, but you did this to yourself ... 

  
 
James Earl Jones, traipsing around in a Flintstones-inspired caveman getup with a club over his shoulder - playing the part of Umslopogaas?! James Earl Jones?  The sage slayer of stereotypes?  The patron provocateur of platitude? The savant subjugator of shibboleth? James, you owe us an explanation. Not even major surgery could rid us of the disparaging images you left in our minds with your shameful exhibition of primordial pantomime. No, we'll require the services of an exorcist for this one.
 
As we really do have every expectation of receiving an explanation from James, we've created a special email address just for him.
 
If you are reading this, and you are James Earl Jones, please click here to leave your explanation.  We're waiting.  
 
And now, a brief comment or two on some of the other aspects of this plotless fiasco ...
   
 

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 The Morons on The Hill ...

 
 
Allan Quatermain and Jesse (Sharon Stone) decide to search the jungle for Allan's long lost brother, who disappeared several years earlier while searching for the Lost City of Gold.  Apparently, Allan was unfazed by his brother's absence for the first several years, but  then Jesse found a Phoenician medallion on the ground, which naturally turned the situation into an emergency (?). 
 
Allan, Jesse and Umslopogaas go through all sorts of avoidable nonsense while journeying to the Lost City of Gold, but they make it there none the worse for wear, of course, although everyone in the audience was hoping against hope that they'd meet with an appropriately timed tragedy.  
 
When the gang arrives at the Lost City of Gold, they immediately encounter the citizens of the legendary great white/black/gray/green race. The long anticipated reunion of Allan and his lost-and-presumed-dead moron brother comes next. The moron brother appears out of nowhere and greets Allan - not with tears of joy, not with a big hug, not with a sigh of relief, not with an inkling of surprise, and not with a slew of thank you's or an emotional show of gratitude, but with a casual hello and a handshake.
 
 

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The World's Only Living Set of Conjoined Morons ...

  
 
Allan should have gotten pissed off and left at this point, but like his brother, he is a moron, so he decides to stick around.
 
We find that the First Selectman of the city formerly know as the Lost City of Gold (it's no longer lost) is a half-crazed evil guy who's favorite form of recreation is dunking live city denizens into giant vats of gold. This activity is never fully explained, but it seems that the First Selectman wants to take over the Lost City of Gold and use it to sate his evil desires.  This is sort of odd, because the First Selectman of the Lost City of Gold is already in charge, and is not in need of a coup to overthrow the current leadership, which is himself.   
 
But, the First Selectman of the Lost City of Gold obviously has an anger problem. This probably stems back to when his services as the lead singer of REO Speedwagon were suddenly no longer required due to a change in musical tastes in the early 80's.
 
 

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The First Selectman of the Lost City of Gold 

 
 
The First Selectman eventually finds someone to fight with, and the battle with we-don't-know-who for reasons we-don't-know-why rages on for we-don't-know-how-long.  The bitch about it for the First Selectman is that he loses the unnecessary war he started with the unidentified adversaries for absolutely no reason at all.  Not only does this cost him his position as First Selectman, but it gets him killed as well. 
 
 

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The Girlfriend of the First Selectman of Lost City of Gold 

 
 
Come to think of it, other than a creepy haircut and an annoying voice, the First Selectman had been living large all along. He had mad money, bad babes, and home boys to boot. Then, he went outside the city walls, attacked his own empire, and dethroned himself. That wasn't particularly smart.
 
The moral of the story? It's obvious ...

 

If you are the former lead singer of REO Speedwagon, and you've got a girlfriend, a neat hobby, a nice home, a great job, lots of money, your health, occasional visitors,  and no one ordering you around, you might just consider leaving well enough alone. 
 
CR
 

 No More Sequels, We Promise!!!