the Movie Club Annals ...

 
The Long Kiss Goodnight


Reviewed by Margaret G.

       

This is one great flick! Seems that this mild-mannered school teacher-type can't remember diddly about her past. So, I'm not exactly sure where this college degree and teaching credentials came from, but she's been doing the American Dream thing for eight years when a bump on the old noggin starts to bring some memories back.

Samantha (our mild-mannered school teacher) hires a bunch of private detectives to help her discover her past, but not even one came up with anything useful - probably because she was trying to pay them and also eat and pay her rent on a teacher's salary. Oh wait, the drunk private eye turns out to be the useful one. He notices that Samantha can cut carrots with lightening speed and deduces that she was a chef in her former life. He was actually pretty close to the truth, since a chef and a spy/assassin for the U.S. govmint do the same job. After we figure out that she was a chef/spy/assassin, the other chefs/spy/assassins figure out that she might tell on them and they get ancy to kill her.

Stupid, stupid move. One guy actually comes into her kitchen and clonks her on the head with a piece of steel whatever. She doesn't even blink, but she does throw a pie at him which kills him instantly. Must have been lemon murder pie - only chef/spy assassins have the recipe.

Meanwhile, back at the Big House, a one-eyed felon catches a glimpse of Samantha on the prison tube and recognizes her as the one who took his sight eight years ago, so he decides to break from prison because he's ancy 
to kill her, too.

Somewhere in here, Samantha remembers that her name was Charly. Charly is a very athletic chick. We got all these killers after her, and she ran out of pastry, so she had to do stuff like outrun a speeding car while on ice skates. Then she had to jump out of a three-story building into an ice-filled lake into which she blasted a hole with a gun that most people carry around with them. She also has asbestos hands, as demonstrated by the "get the gun that was 500 degrees and hanging on a wire dangling from a helicopter" scene.

The ending of this movie is totally unforgettable, and when I get my memory back I'll let you know what it was. I recommend this movie for all amnesiac chef assassins.

M.G.