Club Annals ...
King Solomon's Mines
Reviewed by Margaret G.
This totally skinny, but
bruiseless archeologist gets lost in darkest, deepest Africa and his
only daughter sets out to find him. She sensibly decides that
she must have some assistance in this venture, never having traveled
in deepest, darkest Africa before. So she hires Allan Quatermain
to help her. He has no designs on her bod, only on her dough -
so he says.
They hack their way
through an incredible jungle and arrive in a very busy city island. (It
must be a city island because there is absolutely no way all those
trucks and cars and busses could have hacked THEIR way through the
jungle). They get into some fights because they looked at people
funny, and continue their trek to find Daddio. When they do find
Daddio, a strange guy in a Shriner's hat is hitting him on the
elbow with a stick and insisting that he, "tell me".
Dad, on the other hand, while obviously in extreme pain from his elbow
injury, keeps saying, "no".
This scenario continues until Shriner hat guy's stick breaks, and then
he gets mad again. No one knows what happens to Dad after that,
because the daughter (Jesse) and Quatermain continue their quest for a
sacred gem in the mines. They get pretty muddy and these guys
who hang from trees appear and wash and iron their clothes and return
them. About this time, Quatermain notices that Jesse cleans up good
and decides that he probably can commit to her, at least for the
length of the movie.
A bunch of natives catches
them. Jesse says, "Oooh, how glad they are to see us. They
must be FRIENDLY natives". She draws this conclusion
because our friendly feathered friends are singing a song as they
escort the two of them to dinner. As it turns out, the song the
natives were singing had very simple lyrics, "carrots or
potatoes?". The natives decided to compromise and have both
vegetables with the main course (consisting of Quatermain and Jesse).
After Jesse figures out that they are in danger inside the giant
stewpot of boiling veggies, Quatermain notices her see-through shirt
and decides to save them by rocking the pot until it falls over.
Then, when a pair of lions checks out the turned-over pot, his first
instinct is to feel-up Jesse.
That being the case,
the two finally get to the mines, and with each succeeding disaster,
Jesse's shorts get shorter and shorter - with a really cool side slit
and definitely necessary to the plot and it gives us Quatermain's
motivation for following this chick into a booby-trapped mine filled
with snakes and a killer hippo.
This movie is a "must
see" for all lovers of adventure films and hippos.