By Poop-Scoop Robertson
Date line: Sometime back
in the 1980’s when Richard Simmons wore those tiny little nylon shorts
and a headband like the dancers on Fame the TV show while he shouted,
"Now you fed them, now you lift them!" Farrah Fawcett’s
nipples rose to national prominence, so to speak. And Star Wars was all
the rage among space fanatics.
I'm talkin’ ‘bout
Ronnie Raygun’s vision for defending America – that star wars - not
the one with Chewedtobacco and Princess Tease, I mean, Lay-ya’. You
knew her as the interplanetary royal with the Bisquik
growths on the sides of her head.
And speaking of fattening
growths, have you seen Richard Simmons’ buns lately?
Reagan wanted to shoot
giant laser beams at little missiles using giant laser guns. And he
wanted us to holster one of these things in the kingdom of Parmesan.
So how does the leader of
the free world talk a backward Mel Brooks look-alike with a bad
comb-over into giving up a piece of his kingdom for a radar site? You
don't. But there has to be a reason for this movie to continue.
So, King Combover cooks
up a deadly game. And sending the U.S.’s greatest gymnast to be a
player is in the rules. Like in a bad video game, all he has to do to
win the plot of land is defeat an army of thugs, a gaggle of thieves, a
town full of crazies and a bushel of barbarians. It’s called Gymkata.
I gave this one two balls
up for Kurt Thomas’ homo-errotic stair climbing antics. Where else can
you see a guy’s molars through his sphincter? And I had to give it one
Holy Crap! for the thoughtfulness of the civil engineers of
Johnjacobjinglehiemerschmidtblackjerkistanakbarbul who, back in the 13th
century, put a pommel horse in the town square.