the Movie Club Annals ...

 
Firewalker

Reviewed by Carl R.
                           

  Firewalker

Firewalker has the great distinction of being voted the "Most Painful" movie
ever viewed by the Movie Club. It is a distinction well deserved. Critiqued by the Movie Club on Thanksgiving day of the year 2000, Firewalker was a shameful, awful, pathetic, terrible, horrible, horrendous, inexcusable, totally chaotic model of continuity problems.  And those were its good points.
firewalker-rev-chuck.JPG (5144 bytes)

This "movie" starred Chuck Norris and Lou Gossett, Jr.  Of course, we always expect Chuck to be bad, but Oscar winning Lou?  For shame!  Since this atrocity-on-film had more things wrong with it than could be addressed in the average millennium, we'll just take a look at a couple of the more notable "issues".

Let's start by taking a giant leap of faith and going along with the fact that Chuck and Lou started off the movie tied to some stakes on the ground in the desert in some unnamed continent after driving their dune buggy into a conveniently placed lake in the middle of the unknown desert. And, after wishing aloud that they were somewhere else having a beer instead of being tied to stakes in the unknown desert, they end up doing just that in a bar somewhere in Texas/Oklahoma/New Mexico, Arizona, etc. No explanation of how they got there, but remember - this is the "leap of faith" portion of the review. 

At this point in Firewalker, the really serious continuity problems begin. While out in yet another unknown/unnamed desert looking for the secret cache of gold for some young lady they never met, they run across a sacred, ancient Indian idol atop of a cliff.  Don't let the fact that the sacred, ancient Indian idol just happens to be a pure-white, Roman Catholic-inspired likeness of the Virgin Mary, bother you any.  This was a common object of worship for the Mexican Texan Navahoan Siouan Arizonian aborigines of the North American version of the unknown desert.

Of course, in their travels, Chuck, Lou, and their fair maiden inevitably begin to get chased by the bad guy Mexitexanamericans. So, in order to make a speedy and inconspicuous getaway, the trio dress in - you guessed it - full Roman Catholic garb in the middle of the 105 degree, south of the border (we think), Mexitexamerican town, and get on a train. Perhaps they may have gotten away with it  if 6' 6" Lou Gossett hadn't dressed as a such as a highly ranked black Roman Catholic Bishop - perhaps dressing as a lowly priest would have done the trick.  But the trick's on us - the disguises actually did work, and they got away.  Sighhhhhh.

Let us not forget the "roving eye patch" that was worn by the main bad guy MexIncanAztecian villain. His eye patch randomly switched from one eye to the other from one bad scene to another. It was also moved right before our very own eyes by one of the more expendable characters in the movie who was, at the time, trying to save himself from the the always fatal MexIncanAztecian death-nose-grip.  

And what should be made of  our adventurous trio driving a psychedelic Volkswagen Beetle through the middle of an unidentified jungle? Sadly, it was one of Firewalker's more credible moments. As for a Movie Club Firewalker encore?  ... quoth the Movie Club ... "Nevermore."

C.R. R.