has the great distinction of being voted the "Most Painful" movie
ever viewed by the Movie Club. It is a distinction well deserved.
Critiqued by the Movie Club on Thanksgiving day of the year 2000,
Firewalker was a shameful, awful, pathetic, terrible, horrible,
horrendous, inexcusable, totally chaotic model of continuity
problems. And those were its good points.
This "movie" starred Chuck
Norris and Lou Gossett, Jr. Of course, we always expect Chuck to be bad, but Oscar
winning Lou? For shame! Since this atrocity-on-film had more
things wrong with it than could be addressed in the average millennium,
we'll just take a look at a couple of the more notable
start by taking a giant leap of faith and going along with the fact that Chuck and Lou
started off the movie tied to some stakes on the ground in the desert in
some unnamed continent after driving their dune buggy into a
conveniently placed lake in the middle of the unknown desert. And, after
wishing aloud that they were somewhere else having a beer instead of
being tied to stakes in the unknown desert, they end up doing just that
in a bar somewhere in Texas/Oklahoma/New Mexico, Arizona, etc. No
explanation of how they got there, but remember - this is the "leap
of faith" portion of the review.
this point in Firewalker, the really serious continuity problems
begin. While out in yet
another unknown/unnamed desert looking for the secret cache of gold for
some young lady they never met, they run across a sacred, ancient Indian
idol atop of a cliff. Don't let the fact that the sacred, ancient
Indian idol just happens to be a pure-white, Roman
Catholic-inspired likeness of the Virgin Mary, bother you any.
This was a common object of worship for the Mexican Texan Navahoan Siouan
Arizonian aborigines of the North American version of the
Of course, in their travels, Chuck,
Lou, and their fair maiden inevitably begin to get chased by the bad guy
Mexitexanamericans. So, in order to make a speedy and inconspicuous
getaway, the trio dress in - you guessed it - full Roman Catholic garb
in the middle of the 105 degree, south of the border (we think),
Mexitexamerican town, and get on a train. Perhaps they may have gotten
away with it if 6' 6" Lou Gossett hadn't dressed as a such as
a highly ranked black Roman Catholic Bishop - perhaps
dressing as a
lowly priest would have done the trick. But the trick's on us -
the disguises actually did work, and they got away. Sighhhhhh.
us not forget the "roving eye patch" that was worn by the main
bad guy MexIncanAztecian villain. His eye patch randomly switched from
one eye to the other from one bad scene to another. It was also moved
right before our very own eyes by one of the more expendable characters
in the movie who was, at the time, trying to save himself from the the
always fatal MexIncanAztecian death-nose-grip.
what should be made of our adventurous trio driving a psychedelic Volkswagen
Beetle through the middle of an unidentified jungle? Sadly, it was one
of Firewalker's more credible moments. As for a Movie Club Firewalker
encore? ... quoth the Movie Club ... "Nevermore."