Guest Reviews





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the Movie Club Annals ... 

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Don't Bother!!!


Welcome to the Don't Bother Page!



The following movies were deemed unsuitable for a full viewing by the Movie Club.  The specific reasons for rejection are listed below each title. They range from too boring to too long to too stupid to too serious to too unamusing. Occasionally, a movie can be rejected for being too good, but this is a very rare event. 
Title: Curse of the Headless Horseman (1974)
Starring: Marland Proctor, Ultra Violet (sort-of)
This Super 8 mm home drive-in groovy 1972 mod squad groovy hippie horror movie is the worst piece of trash I have ever viewed in my life. A movie more painful than "A Star is Born" (Kris Kristofferson, Barbara Striesand), culturally cheaper than "Bucket O' Blood", lighting and camera work worse than TC 2000, a movie with plot holes and a premise dumber than "Breaker! Breaker!" 

Groovy mod squad wannabe hippies help white pants & shoes wearing hep-cat Dr. and his fiancee run an old western ghost town. Dialogue example, "If you can dig it, we'll split from here tomorrow at 11:00 and all look at it together." The soundtrack is annoying "Horse With no Name" cheap 70's folk bands. According to the film, top billing went to Ultra Violet, who played "The Countess". Her role consisted of one cheap scene - The headless horseman, man rides up to her, swings his severed noggin at her, splattering her with blood from the dripping severed head. "The Countess", dressed hippie/pre-goth black dress, starts screaming and runs into a gravel parking lot and straight into a truck traveling approximately 1 1/2 to 2 miles an hour resulting in the cheapest death scene ever filmed. 

Later,  the headless horseman ruins a groovy hippie chick's acid trip. A disfigured care-taker attempts to warn the hippies of their impending fate, but they're too groovy peace lovin', drug abusing, and back-to-nature-hep-cat to heed his warnings. 

The directer/writer attempts some exceptionally lame plot twists. As a bonus, cheap "Bucket 'O Blood" -type narration/poetry is thrown in to heighten suspense. The final scene in which the majority of groovy hippies kill each other off is too late, too little to save this Hall of Cheapest of All drive-in horror movies. 

The Billy Jack-like groovy mod-squad wannabe hippie cast are all complete and utter useless no-name Wavy Gravy wannabe losers,  and the Headless Horseman ghost/monster, complete with rubber severed blood drippin' noggin, is so breathlessly cheap as to defy imagination. Calling this movie tripe would be too kind. 

The Best part of this film, by far, was the bonus track, consisting of 60's/70's drive-in movie intermission commercials. If you don't watch this movie to the end, you will deprive yourself of the cheapest, most painful, worst film ever to disgrace celluloid - bar none.
Title: The Tomb (1986)
Starring: Cameron Mitchell, Michelle Bauer
An Egyptian Larry Tate assist drunken "Dumb & Dumber" Americans ransack ancient tomb, freeing 'Nerfratis' a mummy/vampiress (grandmother of Nosferantu).  Nerfratis follows cheapaholic surviving "Dumb" back to California to recover sacred artifacts and the plot further degenerates.  Eventually, the murderous Nerfratis is defeated by our hero, a David Naughton wanna-be.  In the end, Nefratis is turned into Shelly Winters, then immolated.  John Carradine makes a cameo, but his character is unfortunately one of the few not killed.

The opening scene with bad hair/sunglasses female pilot caused a 'J4' Wedgehead flashback.  The opening gunfight convinced me of this movies impending cheapness. 'Pharaoh and the Mummies'  had all the pizzazz of Steve Martin's 'King Tut' skit.  The scariest part of this movie was the topless bar, minus the bar brawl.  Other scenes of interest - lesbian killed with vipers; our hero's skinny, nerdy girlfriend stalked by Nerfratis in nightclub full of grizzly dancers; interview with a mummy/vampiress; hotel heart surgery; and U.S. custom officials attempt to arrest Nerfratis.  The best line in the movie is the last, uttered by cheapaholic 'Dumb', "Gotta light?"

The dialogue in this movie was obviously written by a veteran high school newspaper/yearbook staff member.   The lameness of the dialogue, acting, and direction of this movie is surpassed in cheapness only by the exceptionally annoying soundtrack.  In short, this movie is  "don't bother"  Schlock.
Title: The Wraith (1978)
Starring: Charlie Sheen, Nick Cassevettes, Randy Quaid
Reason For Rejection:
The main character was stupid idiot skinny wimpy whiney Rick Springfield/Dusty Springfield wanna-be villain Nick "Packard Walsh" Cassavetes, who looked like a 40 year-old big-hair 80's teenager with a big hang-up on James Dean and a bigger hang-up on Liberace. Since when can a Dodge Daytona outrun a Corvette?  Packard's idiot disciples were at best incredulous as villains. One had a "just electrocuted" haircut, and the other two were morons pretending to be punks when they were really the no-talent WD40-sniffing preppy idiot nephews of the cheap director. And then there was the cheap idiot girlfriend, who was so bad she could get tossed off a Billy Blanks movie for being too unconvincing.  Useless Charlie Sheen and Randy Quaid should never have been forgiven for this 80's travesty on celluloid. film. 
Title: Mean Dog Blues (1986)
Starring: George Kennedy, Gregg Henry
Reason For Rejection:
A cheap, piss-poor rip-off of "Cool Hand Luke". A movie that aspired to mediocrity, but fell well short. The cast, content, and plot indicates drive-in movie second feature. The lead role was obviously written for David Soul or the blond guy on Dukes of Hazard. Fat, sleeveless prison warden George "breath-assure" Kennedy was more sad than menacing (as was his skinny dog, "Rattler"). The sadistic prison guard, Sgt Wacker, should have been named Sgt Wanker. The only enjoyable scene was the mauling of Scatman 'Mud Dog' Crothers. A miserable, forgettable film. 
Title: The Devil's Rain (1975)
Starring: Ernest Borgnine, William Shatner, Tom Skerritt
Reason For Rejection:
A star-studded "good vs. evil" affair featuring Ernest Borgnine as the lead Cowboy-Pilgrim-Priest-Devil-Goat who spends his time enforcing all the devil rules. Many poor souls are sentenced to a fate of  90 minutes with silly putty around their eyes, or even worse, an eternity in the perpetually-raining Pot-o-Devils purgatory trap. Look for a very young John Travolta.  A little too low-rent for the Movie Club, but a worthwhile project for fans of horrible devil movies, or those who like to watch children of the devil melt into used candle wax under the force of the devil's rain. 
Title: Horror Express (1973)
Starring: Christopher Lee, Telly Savalas
Reason For Rejection:
We just couldn't resist the picture on the cover showing Telly Savalas with blood gushing out of his eyes. But we were soon reminded that all that glitters is not gold, as this movie was a slow-moving, poorly-done exercise in tripe that nearly put us to sleep. Set in the early 1900's, Telly's brief appearance as a hard-nosed detective resembling a bald Hugh Hefner in a red bathrobe was truly beneath even his dignity. Nothing to see here, folks.  Move along.
Title: Honeyboy (1982)
Starring: Erik Estrada, Morgan Fairchild.
Reason For Rejection:
This useless Rocky rip-off barely registers on the amusement scale. It is boring, cliché, and the "acting" is horrid. The boxing scenes, however, are so fake as to be laughable - so much so that is is almost worth watching a few select clips. Just be sure to keep it on fast forward. 
Title: Cutaway (2000)
Starring: Tom Berenger, Stephen Baldwin, Dennis Rodman, Casper Van Dien.
Reason For Rejection:
Dennis Rodman hulks around for 1 1/2 hours in what is the most useless and boring performance ever turned by any "actor" (please forgive the term). Casper Van Dien is guilty of felonious over-acting.  So bad it lacks the requisite amusement value accorded to movies that rate a full viewing.
Title: Python 2 (2002)
Starring: William Zabka, Dana Ashbrook.
Reason For Rejection:
We love giant snake movies, but we hate being bored.
Title: The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan's Island (1981)
Starring: The Harlem Globetrotters, the Original Cast of Gilligan's Island, sans Ginger.
Reason For Rejection:
The most inane, juvenile, and slow-moving script ever produced. The Globetrotter's "acting" ability is so bad as to be laughable, but this movie is nothing but unadulterated pain beyond that.
Title: Truck Turner (1974)
Starring: Isaac Hayes, Yaphet Kotto.
Reason For Rejection:
Juvenile dialog, slow pace, not even worthy of ridicule. Turned it off after hearing "You jive turkey, sheeeeet ..." for the 200th time in five minutes.
Title: Hurricane (1979)
Starring: Jason Robards, Mia Farrow, Trevor Howard.
Reason For Rejection:
Hoping for a traditional 1970's disaster movie, we were instead hit with the most sappy, sickening, and tortuously slow love story ever produced. The hurricane made only a cameo appearance near the end. Boring, stupid, and highly disappointing.
Title: TC 2000 (1993)
Starring: Billy Blanks, Bolo Yeung.
Reason For Rejection:
It is difficult to believe that anyone could challenge Dennis Rodman's claim to fame as the world's worst actor, but Billy Blanks manages to do just that. Add to that an incoherent plot, bad camera work, bad sound editing, and bad everything else, and it makes for an experience more painful than amusing.
Commander Controller, a kiki beret wearin' John Cleese lookin' boy, leads an elite evil beret squad and 'trackers' (subterranean rent-a-cops) vs. zee Fwench commander of the 'breakers' (the surface people).  The premise: A world without ozone - like today.  Instead of getting over it and puttin on some sunblock, the 'intellectuals' move underground.  The remaining surface people are gangs of cheap Road Warrior refugees.   Cdr Controller concocts a plot to eliminate the surface people.  Dr. Dufus turns a murdered female rent-a-cop into the ultimate fighting machine - TH 2000 (an android Tonya Harding).

Movie hint:  Most of the bad guys in this movie wear berets.
Title: The Hand (1981)
Starring: Michael Caine, Andrea Morcovicci.
Reason For Rejection:
While Michael Caine movies have provided the Movie Club with a good deal of fodder, most notably Beyond the Poseidon Adventure, The Hand is simply too boring to rate a full review. The idea of a severed hand  crawling from Boston to New York (rather quickly, no less) is rather funny, but it just isn't enough by itself.
Title: King Solomon's Treasure (1977)
Starring: Patrick Macnee, Britt Ekland, David MaCallum.
Reason For Rejection:
While generally low production values don't always warrant a rejection, it does in this case. The giant creature effects were particularly bad, although the sport utility crab with headlight eyes was an unexpected bright spot.
Title: Extreme Heist a.k.a Wicked Game  (2002)
Starring: Motoko Nagino, Michael Hexum, Johnny Yong Bosh
Reason For Rejection:
Where to start ... Star power, or lack thereof, although Mr. Bosh did do a stint as one of Power Rangers on afternoon TV. The film's requisite "sex symbol" had stringy hair and bad teeth. The cell phones were bigger than suitcases, suggesting that Extreme Heist had been released much earlier, much more often, and under an indeterminate number of titles prior to 2002.  Many amusing moments, but outweighed by many more unamusing moments.
Title: Diamond Shaft a.k.a. Diamonds (1975)
Starring: Richard Roundtree, Robert Shaw, Barbara Hershey, Shelly Winters
Reason For Rejection:
Perhaps the Movie Club could work with this one if it had to.  But it doesn't have to, so it won't. Robert Shaw plays evil twins out to get each other. Richard Roundtree is a spy of sorts, who's idea of going incognito includes traipsing around the middle of Jerusalem in a canary-yellow pimp suit. Poor photography and soundtrack detracted from what might have been a worthwhile project.
Title: Superfly T.N.T. (1973)
Starring: Ron O'Neal, Roscoe Lee Brown, Robert Guillaume.
Reason For Rejection:
The original Superfly is an icon, while Superfly T.N.T. is just a boring and preachy political statement. Far be it from us to ignore 90 straight minutes of pure wisdom from a retired cocaine dealer, but we never said we were perfect. 
Title: Black Belt Jones (1974)
Starring: Jim Kelly, Gloria Hendry, Scatman Crothers
Reason For Rejection:
Ok - it had its moments, such as Ted Lange (Isaac from the Love Boat) showing up as a thug and using 11-letter words. But the combination of the thin plot line and violence would make it a bit uncomfortable for at least half of our usual audience. 
Title: Doc Savage (1975)
Starring: Ron Ely, Paul Gleason, William Lucking
Reason For Rejection:
One of us thought that an action movie starring a post-Tarzan Ron Ely just had to be amusing in one way or another. We admit that we were wrong. This was an extremely weird flick based on a comic series in the 1930's. In fact, it was too weird to sit all the way through, so we found a sucker friend to watch it for us.  Our opinion did not change after our sucker friend reported back to us.
Title: The Fog (1980)
Starring: Adrienne Barbeau, Jamie Lee Curtis, Janet Leigh
Reason For Rejection:
So, how could a movie starring Adrienne Barbeau and Jamie Lee Curtis fail to hold our attention? Easy - wrap it in The Fog and release it on cassette. It wasn't scary enough for a horror movie, and it didn't leave us enough ridicule room. This one died due to an extreme case of mediocrity.
Title: Showgirls (1995)
Starring: Elizabeth Berkley, Kyle MacLachlan
Reason For Rejection:
Certainly abuseworthy, it deserves all the bad publicity it's received to date. We rejected it because it had too much nudity.  We also rejected it because it had too little nudity.  A great solo project, but our group is way too backlogged to be bothered with things like this.
Title: Road House (1989)
Starring: Patrick Swayze, Ben Gazarra
Reason For Rejection:
Patrick Swayze, and he's a world famous bouncer?  Does he have his own bubblegum card too?  For God's sake.
Title: Black Dog (1998)
Starring: Patrick Swayze, Meatloaf, Randy Travis
Reason For Rejection:
We rejected this one for three reasons, Patrick Swayze, Meatloaf, and Randy Travis. Another can't-miss that misfired. Boring. 
Title: Shark Attack III - Megalodon (2002)
Starring: John Barrowman, Jenny McShane
Reason For Rejection:
A waste of time, although worthy of abuse until someone saw the shark and said "We're gonna need a bigger submarine."  We don't take kindly to plagiarism.  
Title: Piranha Two - The Spawning (1981)
Starring: Tricia O'Neal, Steve Marachuk
Reason For Rejection:
Directed by James Cameron of Titanic fame (which we hated), one would still expect a better effort. Nothing more than a soft porn film with plastic fish.  And, if you're going to do T&A, at least do it right - these people could all win an ugly contest running away.   
Title: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)
Starring: Yun-Fat Chow, Michelle Yeoh
Reason For Rejection:
The single most overrated film ever produced.  One wonders how the producers of this cheap Saturday morning kung fu movie buffaloed the Academy into believing it was anything other than just that. The "revolutionary" special effects had all been done ten years earlier in "The Iron Monkey", a mildly amusing cheap Saturday morning kung fu movie.  
Title: Traffic (2000)
Starring: Benico Del Toro, Jacob Vargas
Reason For Rejection:
Another vastly overrated film. Not exactly a terrible movie, just a boring, dismal affair that didn't live up to its "shock value" hype. 
Title: Monster's Ball (2001)
Starring: Halle Berry, Billy Bob Thornton
Reason For Rejection:
A laughable piece of tripe used as an excuse to give Halle Berry an Academy Award that she did not earn and did not deserve. 
Title: Mission to Mars (2000)
Starring: Tim Robbins, Gary Sinise
Reason For Rejection:
Another near miss, if it wasn't so annoying, it would have rated a full viewing. Big budget, big stars, and no excuses for its badness. But we're more intent on being entertained than being perturbed.