Anus Magillicutty Movie Review

Anus Magillicutty

by Ed Francis

The quote sums it up, and they're proud of it!

"Anus Magillicutty" is a truly remarkable piece of film-making. 99.9% unscripted as described by the director himself, independent to the very core, almost the bare definition of the word, it is the quintessential "worst film ever". And it's proud of it, too.

Before I attempt to sum up this indescribable piece of cinema filth, I need to refer to you to several sources. The IMDb, top and most trusted film sit in the world, pronounced it the worst film ever for several months before it was knocked off by this year's Larry The Cable Guy, so as it sits now it is #2. Joe Watson of State Press Magazine had no qualms in pronouncing it "the worst film ever", a quote they proudly carry on their DVD cover. RottenTomatoes.com refuse to even carry any reviews for it.

Surely all this revulsion must have been slightly exaggerated, you ask? You would be totally and utterly wrong. Here is the fundamental, core... can I bring myself it say it?...... "plot" that starts the laughable 70 minutes of fully wasted celluloid goes thusly: Anus' girl (that's her name. "Girl". Don't even start) stops a would-be-assassin, leaving the beer-and-sex-obsessed Anus with a dead body in his trunk. And then Satan gets involved. Of course, by Satan, I mean a waddling gait in a nylon body-condom with a stupid mask who hides behinds trees. And then, he goes in search of Chee-Chee, who's "acting" is demonstrated in full on the trailer as he just gropes a pair of girls and laughs hysterically, a method I guess was achieved by holding the predicted audience share in behind the camera. All the while, he's niggled by his brother, who swears compulsively and has facial and head hair that are different colours. Oh, and there's a crazy drunk who shouts insane instances like "I was in the hotdog!". Are you in tears yet? You should be.

Anus himself, played by Lloyd Garner III (who is credited as Henry Garner, presumably as cover for when the International Crimes Against Humanity Police come a-knocking) is a moron, but in a way that seems not like acting but just an extension of the actor himself's personality. His Girl, played by Paige Abbot, looks like a young, fatter, more revulsion-inducing Shelley Duvall. She has no qualms about going fully nude in a showering scene and shooting her mouth of with enough dirt to choke a bucket of worms. The rest of the cast have never appeared in any other film and, God willing, they never will ever again. And that's that basically summed up.

The film is laced with blockbuster touches on a shoestring budget. Shooting corpses, Psycho-esque knife attacks, and most importantly, gratuitous sex are shoehorned in to the pathetic proceedings. The sex I'd like to focus on, as there is so much for so little reason. There is the aforementioned shower scene, a truly disgusting and painfully prolonged scene between Anus and his girl, and a bizarre 2-minute long scene where a young girl fellates a banana. For no mentioned reason other than to titillate the kind of leering moron that would hire this film while not under the influence of some hallucinogenic drug.

What else is there to mention? The whole thing is shot on amateur, probably hand-held camera and it looks like a seedy top-shelfer. The "FX" are limited to wacky, blurry shots that make the scenes look like an entire tub of lard has been unevenly spread across your poor, poor television. And the improvising is astounding. And don't thing for one minute that's a compliment. The actors look like they're actually trying to look unnatural, forcing out lines, sometimes pausing to think of the next terrible stinker of a speech. It's a butchery of the English language. The whole thing feels like a study in the real lowest of the low, the bottomest region of the ocean floor, sucking at the lowest common denominator like a krill on the sand. And it refuses to retract it's vile, obtrusive teeth until the credits roll.

In all, I feel that I can't use my usual "avoid like..." sign-off as there really is no words to compare this appalling train wreck of a film. The term "amateur" cannot be used either. It is like a spiritual experience, like you are hooking yourself up to something that taps into the very most central core of your anger, nausea and mental pain all at once. It is the purest impure thing that exists. It is the ultimate, 25-carat, bona fide, definite, quintessential, No.1, complete, utter, 100% WORST FILM EVER. And just for that, it deserves a special place in your mind and heart.

An interesting thought: Since Larry The Cable Guy knocked it off the #1 worst IMDb spot, it is no-longer the worst film ever, and of course no where near the best. So that leaves it floating in the bad movie ether forever.