Anaconda Movie Review

Preface:
A very large snake lives, minding it'ssssss own business in some tropical-type river. Jon Voight, sporting the worst spaniszuelish accent ever, irritates the snake and the viewers almost to death. But not before the snake ssssscares at least one scantily clad wet tee-shirt type female protagonist by scaling ladders, and other un-snake like things and sssssslithering around in general. The real highlight of this movie wasn't when everyone almost drowns in two feet of WATER trying to escape the WATER snake. The highlight was actually the great Academy Award winning performance of Ice T or Ice Pick or Ice Cube or Ice Pack or whatever his name was/is. In short, this movie ssssssstunk.

Bloody Details:
When the Movie Club first saw this film we didn't realize how important it's star, Jennifer Lopez would become in modern history. No longer known as the woman who starred in Anaconda, she has the more important distinction of becoming J Lo, soon-to-be-former girlfriend of Puff Daddy. This is an improvement believe it or not.

Anaconda is about a film crew going down the Amazon to meet up with the King Cobra we saw in another movie. Just kidding, they're going to film an apparently-undaunted-by-large-people-eating-snakes, tribe of Amazon Indians. Terri (Jennifer Lopez), and Danny (Ice Cube) are floating along the river with the rest of the snake's menu er, ah, I mean cast, when they happen upon Paul (Jon Voight). His boat is sinking because his accent is so bad and they offer him a lift. Paul is a notorious snake hunter (dangling participle intended). He takes it upon himself to hijack the boat when it's captain gets a really bad mosquito bite and is completely incapacitated. So Paul neatly takes the opportunity to use the film crew as snake bait in his unwavering mission. Nothing stops Paul until he gets eaten by the Anaconda.

The End. Ssssssssss.

E.W.